This Too Shall....

I'm having a difficult week. And this might be a difficult post. So difficult, in fact, that I am not naming until it's written, because the words that keep coming to my head really don't make sense, or are probably inappropriate.

I believe I'm somewhat of an empathic director. That is, when my librarians are upset or frustrated, I am also upset or frustrated. I try be a good manager. I try to offer solutions and suggestions and good sides to the issues and challenges that they are frustrating. But at the end of a call, or chat session, or face to face, I'm emotionally wrought and intellectually exhausted. If I were in their shoes, I may do things differently, but I would still be upset or frustrated by the situations that they face. Some are typical for any academic (well, really, ANY) library; others are not so typical, and could probably be resolved if the individuals with whom they work would communicate more or have greater respect for the library as place and service.

I'm challenged that I cannot solve most (and sometimes, any) of the challenges that are shared with me. Sometimes it is a matter of choice; the librarian has to work with his/her campus management team to work out campus issues. I would be out of place (and probably burn a bridge or two) if I tried to be an intermediary. Other times, even if I wanted to stick my nose in, it would do no good. Sometimes stuff just happens and it kind of sucks.

I try to take the issues that come up and spin them into system-level projects that, in time, may (hopefully) resolve many of the issues. The changes to the monthly stats collection and the way we provide Info Lit instruction are examples of that: serious issues have come up about campus communication of library metrics and classroom instruction/faculty collaboration. I expect that, in the long term, these projects may be solutions. However, many members of the team are either too busy with campus-level work, or too frustrated with the lack of immediate improvement, that I garner little participation. These leaves me with a two-fold issue; I can't solve the immediate issues, and I'm left with rather hefty projects that I complete with minimal buy-in. And minimal buy-in is the exact opposite of the way that I want to manage a team. We are not a democracy, but only individuals with an investment are concerned with the outcome. Ask anyone who's bought stocks in the last four years.

So, for those of you at home keeping score, I cannot solve the problems, I share my team's frustrations with campus-level challenges, I struggle with the major projects, and I feel like an inadequate manager due to my project completion style.

I'm not sure how much else I can say without placing myself in a potentially uncomfortable position. I guess that my final note is that this blog seems to be my only true outlet for sharing my (what I can only describe as) angst. I think it's unfortunate that any individual feels that they don't have the support from their supervisors to vent, or resolve concerns. I know that I'm not the only person who is struggling - one could read any number of blogs to swim through the same drudgery. I guess that - in not so recent weeks - I believe I was more of an idealist; I could look at a challenge ready with a feasible solution or a logical upside. Now... I'm disheartened, and upset.

There is a large spot of personal trials in this. I hurt my lower back/hip area several months ago, and by the end of June it was nearly impossible for me to walk or stand for longer than a few minutes at a time without intense pain. I'm in physical therapy, but I still struggle with standing or walking. For those still reading this post, you probably are thinking something about how sad or unfortunate it is, but please think on it a moment longer. Can you count up the number of times during a day that you stand still longer than 2-3 minutes? Walk more than 50 feet? Grocery shopping? Showering? Cleaning? Talking at the proverbial water cooler? Making Kool-Aid? Yup. Pretty much gone. It's left me with a feeling of laziness (I just cannot keep up with housework; I don't cook much because it requires too much standing) and inadequacy (again).


I don't know what's left.

Kimono Dreams

There is something blissful about a kimono. Soft, peaceful, quiet, like a nice mid-afternoon dream. Silky and smooth. Even the darkest threads feel creamy.

I want a day like this. I want a kimono day.

Kimono and Hair by Orchid Dreams.

Superspy? Mwah?

Saturday - Really?

3:30am: wake up to the sound of rain. My half-hazed head thinks that Fay made it into my bedroom; but no. My husband left the garage door open to listen for the rain to lighten up before leaving for work. I suggest that I'll take him to work. He says no. I silently say "thank God" and trudge back to bed.

4:00am: as I'm nodding off, realize I have an increasingly painful headache.

9:30am: wake up with a full-blown migraine. Take 4 Aleve and crawl back into bed with the laptop. Avoid kitten claws while logging into Second Life.

11:00am: make my first pass at cleaning the kitchen. End up moving around all of the silverware/utensil drawers and only putting away the top shelf of the dishwasher.

12:00pm: realize I've spent most of the day buying artificial shoes, hair and clothes for an avatar in an artificial world using real money. Dismiss my concerns since my avatar looks darn good.

1:20pm: Hubby comes home earlier than expected. Nothing is done. Oops.

2:00pm: Naptime.

4:30pm: Wake up from a deep sleep and thoroughly weird dreams. Grateful to be awake. Until I realize the house is still dirty.

5:00pm: Lose my first game of darts to hubby.

6:00pm: Good dinner. Steak and french fries.

6:30pm: Lose my second game of darts to hubby.

7:00pm: Take a nightmare motorcycle ride. No helmet, bugs hitting me left and right. Never underestimate the pain velocity of suicidal bugs.

7:30pm: Search unsuccessfully for the zip drive containing my database project. Why do I always lose the large gig drives?

9:15pm-ish: Desperately seek out a ravishing fairy costume for the ALA party in SL. I look good.

Eboku Nightfire Fashion Gallery, Part I

Yes, Eboku is fabulous.

Outfit: Liberte Fashion
Shoes: Lassitude & Ennui
Jewelry: Swallowtail
Hair: Mystikal Hair Designs

Cereal Offenders

It could be because I'm just hungry.... or because we have so much of it that it's practically pouring out of the pantry... but I can't stop thinking that the people we work with sometimes are very much like cereal:

The Cheerio: Happy to be at work. Happy to be working. Happy to be annoying everyone with my happiness.

The Rice Krispie: Perfunctory. Does exactly what needs to be done with an attitude of intolerance. Very efficient.

The Captain Crunch: One strangely dressed manager to lead them all.

The Corn Flake: I don't really know what I'm doing. I'll sit here and play solitaire. Wait, how do I open solitaire again?

Any other suggestions?

Peeling It Off

When I was a kid (or, two weeks ago), I loved putting school glue all over my hands and letting it dry and peeling it off. I know this is borderline mental, but hear me out: first, it was an excellent waste of what always seemed to be an excessive amount of glue in the house; second, I could do nothing but wait while the glue dried (Lord forbid I touch anything); third, I just love the feeling of that thick skin coming off my palms and fingers, letting my skin breathe like it's brand new.

I guess grownups have their own methods of peeling. In Florida, it's called the "absence of suntan lotion". Hubby and I also experienced this recently. He decided not to put lotion on; I got every part that I could reach, which does not include the center of my back (I swear I used to be more flexible). This week, though, we both are experiencing the adult version of peeling - the ugly gross skin coming off at embarrassing moments, like we have some kind of body dandruff.

The moral of the story: I want to peel it off. The day, the week, the month. It was partially good - just like old skin is partially good. But so is that glue that just sticks and oozes and makes us wait for the clean, refreshing, new skin.

Peel it off.