This Too Shall....

I'm having a difficult week. And this might be a difficult post. So difficult, in fact, that I am not naming until it's written, because the words that keep coming to my head really don't make sense, or are probably inappropriate.

I believe I'm somewhat of an empathic director. That is, when my librarians are upset or frustrated, I am also upset or frustrated. I try be a good manager. I try to offer solutions and suggestions and good sides to the issues and challenges that they are frustrating. But at the end of a call, or chat session, or face to face, I'm emotionally wrought and intellectually exhausted. If I were in their shoes, I may do things differently, but I would still be upset or frustrated by the situations that they face. Some are typical for any academic (well, really, ANY) library; others are not so typical, and could probably be resolved if the individuals with whom they work would communicate more or have greater respect for the library as place and service.

I'm challenged that I cannot solve most (and sometimes, any) of the challenges that are shared with me. Sometimes it is a matter of choice; the librarian has to work with his/her campus management team to work out campus issues. I would be out of place (and probably burn a bridge or two) if I tried to be an intermediary. Other times, even if I wanted to stick my nose in, it would do no good. Sometimes stuff just happens and it kind of sucks.

I try to take the issues that come up and spin them into system-level projects that, in time, may (hopefully) resolve many of the issues. The changes to the monthly stats collection and the way we provide Info Lit instruction are examples of that: serious issues have come up about campus communication of library metrics and classroom instruction/faculty collaboration. I expect that, in the long term, these projects may be solutions. However, many members of the team are either too busy with campus-level work, or too frustrated with the lack of immediate improvement, that I garner little participation. These leaves me with a two-fold issue; I can't solve the immediate issues, and I'm left with rather hefty projects that I complete with minimal buy-in. And minimal buy-in is the exact opposite of the way that I want to manage a team. We are not a democracy, but only individuals with an investment are concerned with the outcome. Ask anyone who's bought stocks in the last four years.

So, for those of you at home keeping score, I cannot solve the problems, I share my team's frustrations with campus-level challenges, I struggle with the major projects, and I feel like an inadequate manager due to my project completion style.

I'm not sure how much else I can say without placing myself in a potentially uncomfortable position. I guess that my final note is that this blog seems to be my only true outlet for sharing my (what I can only describe as) angst. I think it's unfortunate that any individual feels that they don't have the support from their supervisors to vent, or resolve concerns. I know that I'm not the only person who is struggling - one could read any number of blogs to swim through the same drudgery. I guess that - in not so recent weeks - I believe I was more of an idealist; I could look at a challenge ready with a feasible solution or a logical upside. Now... I'm disheartened, and upset.

There is a large spot of personal trials in this. I hurt my lower back/hip area several months ago, and by the end of June it was nearly impossible for me to walk or stand for longer than a few minutes at a time without intense pain. I'm in physical therapy, but I still struggle with standing or walking. For those still reading this post, you probably are thinking something about how sad or unfortunate it is, but please think on it a moment longer. Can you count up the number of times during a day that you stand still longer than 2-3 minutes? Walk more than 50 feet? Grocery shopping? Showering? Cleaning? Talking at the proverbial water cooler? Making Kool-Aid? Yup. Pretty much gone. It's left me with a feeling of laziness (I just cannot keep up with housework; I don't cook much because it requires too much standing) and inadequacy (again).


I don't know what's left.